Luigi Largo glared at the toddler across the table.
"Are you sure that really is my son, Mag?" he whispered.
"Yes, dear," replied Magdalene "Blind Mag" Defoe, his fiancée. "Now eat."
"He looks nothing like me."
"He has your nose, Luigi. See that bump? And his baby teeth look like your adult ones..."
"Shuddup." He furrowed his eyebrows as an aggravated frown appeared on his face. "I'm gonna kill that kid."
Mag rolled her eyes and let out a cross between a sigh and a groan. "Maybe," she suggested, "what you and Alfredo need is some bonding time. What did you used to do for fun with your father?"
He looked down at his plate. The Largo kids never did anything with their father...which was a shame, because Luigi adored Rotti as a child. His whole life had been, and still was being, spent trying to follow in his dad's footsteps.
"We..." Luigi paused, trying to think of a good lie. "We went to carnivals. I guess I could take him to Sanitarium Square or something like that. Buy the kid a present."
Little Alfredo's ears perked up. "Present?!" he squeaked happily.
"Yes, Noodles," Luigi said in a warmer tone. "Daddy's gonna take you to Sanitarium Square and win you a big toy truck!"
His fiancée smiled. "Why not go for ice cream afterwards?"
"Yeah! We'll go out for some good ol' Gelato!" Luigi began to plan out a great day for the two of them. He filled it with all the things that he wished his father had done with him. Alfredo was going to have such fun!
Later that night, Mag was nearly asleep when Luigi woke her up by jumping into bed.
"Maggie," he whispered. "I know you're awake, ya little minx! C'mon, coooome on!"
Mag groaned. "What?!" she whispered.
"Let us copulate."
"Luigi, it's 11 PM. Besides, you need to sleep so you and Alfie can have a nice time tomorrow."
"But I'm stressed! I need a stress-fuck!"
"Go to sleep, Lu--" She yawned and never bothered to finish his name, let alone the sentence.
He muttered some obscenities before laying down and stroking Mag's hair. That turned into kissing the back of her neck, which brought him to running his hands up and down her shoulders. Like a typical man, Luigi loved sex, but like a typical woman, Mag denied him of it.
"Luigi, no is no," she said. "But you can kiss me on the lips of you'd like." Mag turned to face her husband-to-be (they really had to stop putting off that wedding!). He did so, often remarking how wet and appealing they looked. Luigi sighed and went to sleep.
The next morning, Alfredo woke his parents abruptly by running into their room and jumping on the bed.
"Daddy!" he squealed. "Let's go have fun!"
Luigi held back the urge to strangle the child, but instead slapped a grin onto his face and said, through gritted teeth, "Yes, let's..."
Rotti's trusted chauffeur, Branko Branko, drove Luigi and his son to Sanitarium Square for the carnival. Alfredo was so excited that he ran right out of the limo.
"Goddammit," muttered Luigi.
"Mr. Largo," said Branko. "Your son, he went that way." The man with the mustache pointed to one of the surgery booths.
"Oh, Jesus! Thanks, Branko!" Luigi ran off to find Alfredo. He was looking at a booth with "Cornea Replacement Plan" written on a sign next to it. The sign featured a photograph of his mother, which made him happy.
"Look, Daddy!" the child cried. "It's Mommy!"
"Yes, yes, Squirt. Come on, let's go!" The angry father scooped the kid up and began to walk off to GeneCo's new carnival section of the Italian Renaissance festival.
There were rides and games galore, and little Alfredo had set his eyes on a toy fire engine as a prize for knocking down bottles with a ball. He ran up to the booth.
"Daddy, look! A toy truck! Can you win it for me? You promised!" He smiled up at his father.
"Fine." He handed the guy behind the counter a few dollars and began throwing the balls. However, the bottles remained standing. "...the hell?!" Luigi said. He tried again, but to no avail. Finally, he got to the last ball.
"Hey, buddy, this one better fucking work, or I'll kill you!"
"Y-yes, Mr. Largo!" The man swiftly handed him another ball. "This oughta do it, sir."
Luigi threw the ball with such force that the bottles broke into tiny pieces. He took the truck and handed it to his smiling son.
"You're welcome, Noodles. Now, come on, let's go play!"
They went on the bumper cars, which Luigi was kicked off of due to being too aggressive, the ferris wheel, where Alfredo nearly died when his dad held him up for a better view, and, finally, the fun house.
"This is one fu--er, crazy looking place, huh, Noodles?"
"Yeah. I like the funny mirrors!"
They kept walking, and everything was fine until the mirror maze. Alfredo got trapped inside, while Luigi was safely out.
"Oh, crap..." Suddenly, he got a bright idea. He ran off to one of the toy vendors. "I'll give you a hundred bucks for the best looking baby doll you've got," he said.
The man looked at him strangely.
"It's...for my fiancée. She likes dolls."
He payed for the doll, promptly dressed it in one of Alfredo's spare suits, and wrapped it in his jacket.
"Branko!" he screamed. "Drive us home!"
"So, how was your bonding time?"
"Noodles is very sick, Mag...he has to go RIGHT to bed!" Luigi exclaimed, running upstairs and hiding the doll in their son's room. Mag came up the stairs, worried.
"What happened?" she asked.
"Uh...food poisoning. The Gelato was too warm." He stepped in front of her.
"Luigi, I have every right to see him as you do!" she said, pushing him aside and racing toward the door.
"Alfredo!" she screamed while running down a large corridor. Mag burst open the door and turned the lights on, unwrapping the bundle in its tiny bed. She let out a scream as soon as she saw what was underneath the covers.
"LUIGI DO GOOD?" asked the derpy dad.*
Mag shook all over. "Find our son," she said, in an uncharacteristic growl. "Luigi Largo, find our son!!!"
"He was a nuisance anyway," Luigi grumbled.
"Well, if you're not going to find him," said the worried mother as she threw on her black cloak, "I will!"
Mag ran down and called for her chauffeur to drive her back to the carnival--Luigi attempted to follow on foot.
"MAAAG!!!" he screamed. "NOOOODLES!!!!"
Alfredo was wandering around the closed carnival, scared out of his wits. "Daddy?" he whimpered. He clutched his toy truck nervously and sat down by a poster for the Genetic Opera. He thought that he heard his name being called. It was his father, screaming the word "Noodles" at the top of his lungs, and his mother calling out for "Alfie" repeatedly.
"Mommy! Daddy! I'm over here!"
Mag beat her significant other to finding their lost child. She screamed and raced toward Alfredo with open arms, scooping him up and cuddling him. She never let Luigi be alone with their son again, because, after all, mother knows best.